i am so stupid.

i am incredibly naive, and inevitably stupid- how unfortunate.
i knew it. i knew it i knew it i knew it!!!
at least i didn't say anything...

He is an idiot. he is the incredibly stupid one.
and i am a fool.
i am a fool for expecting more.
and not even that much, mind you.
no demands, no commitments.
nevertheless, it backfired.
which is why i am stupid.

stupid for expecting more.
stupid for wanting more.

what truly pisses me off is that I wasn't demanding.

and this is why i don't talk to people.
serves me right.

I was so fucking careful, so guarded.
and look what it gets me.
a faulty text message? true?
idk....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
FUCK.

Jumped the gun yet again... *shocker!*

And suddenly, i am utterly exhausted.
it poured this morning- not the most inspiring way to start a new job.
decided to have one beforehand- just this one time.
And i went to work at 10.
By 11 i hav found out that not only is there no option for health insurance, but they also tip out 10-15% per person (having more than one frequently) and apparently i train for free.
"i did 5 doubles, and i don't think i got paid for it"
um, no.
everything is off the books pretty much.
"we write ourselves checks at night- the drawer usually doesn't have enough cash in it"
"we don't clock in"
by 11:30 i was pretty damn upset that i cancelled the bank interview- actually went to the bathroom to beg a reschedule (checkmate, thank god!)
Spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon (still pouring and chilly)
fantasizing about where i was going to go afterwards to gorge.
yeah. good day.

politely told them i wasn't going to come back tomorrow.
ended up going nowhere special...

mom was home, lingering. all i wanted to do was be alone.
she finally left.
and i hunted.
they call me the scav.

In the bathroom, 45min later, christening the toilet and picking the crap out of my face.
(first time in over a week!)
totally destroyed.

and so i watch tv.
cable is really a bad influence.
Golden Girls, The Nanny, and *finally* Futurama.

oh, and i hate facebook.
i always jump the fucking gun.
and look what happens?

this is why i hate telling people anything.
something almost always goes awry, and i feel like an ass.

on a lighter note,
i had a great dream this morning
for some reason, about DS.
but it was awesome.
we actually kissed.
and it was great!

i need to meet some people. or go out.
less than 30 days, right ?

got a job, yay! right?

fri- :) Sat- :) Sun-X mon- :) tues :) wed :) oh boy! got a job, yay! right? been eating way too much. and no scale! Crap! damn the pb. part of me doesn't want to buy a scale b/c i think it won't help me. but the other part... will curiosity kill this kitty? i have been exercising for an hour a day (3days in counting!) and have only picked at my face once (and only one not attacking!) i fear eating all day... and then at night, i just cannot help myself! its snack after snack... lick here, bite there... whats up w/ condiments?? what is wrong w/ me ? *sigh* least i got a job...

yay ?

So i left the city on thursday- much later than intended. surprise suprise, there was quite a bit of traffic, but whatever. I wasn't ready to leave before then by any means. Wednesday was spent barfing more than once. Its amazing that it didn't happen thursday, the first day of the drive which i guess could be day #1.
Day #2: dreamed about stopping at a restaurant, gorging and barfing in a matter of minutes. Thought about this for a good 3-5hours. But something kept me together- whoa! yay ?
Day #3.
So my problem is this: i can starve myself all day, no problem. Even eat a sensible dinner. But at night i become Snackie Queen, and i cannot help it! How can i stop eating at night??
i guess i should be happy i went the whole day w/o binging / purging... yay ?
i have no boyfriend, i am currently unemployed, and (for the next month) i live with my parents. i'm 26. fml.
i have no scale! today, at least...
we shall see...

OMG !

OMG- what is wrong with you???

"why do you keep deleting my posts, what did i do now?"
"why do you keep ignoring me, and not responding?"

blah blah blah. shut up!

hm. why would someone ignore someone else.
intentionally.
and
repeatedly.
??
a rocket scientist is not needed to figure this one out.

it is Broken.
i am done.
i have been done for Months.

YOU reached out.
I did not respond (shocker!)
and guess what?

its not always about you!
nor do you have to respond to f*cking everything!
in fact, its really bothersome!
maybe i don't want to hear your opinion for the umpteenth time!

you are such a smug and arrogant preteen!
you know nothing, and have the emotional maturity of an eighth grader!
go be best friends w/ M*!
you two can comfort one another and feed each others' egos!

i'm tired of explaining myself!
i find silence more effective.

and it probably pisses you off even more.

good.

leave me alone.

why would anyone try so hard when the other has rejected him constantly?

stubborness and persistance are not necessarily positive traits.

grow the f. up and leave me alone ftlog.

I am soo close to being gone.
and no, i don't plan on saying good bye to you.
i hope i am lucky enough to never see you again.

most of you, actually.

The people that i will miss the most
i have known for the shortest period of time.
isn't that ironic?


And he left tonight- not to be back until tuesday.
yes, we have been better-
but its already fizzled.

i feel numb inside.
i watched The Notebook tonight.
i want romance,
hot 'n heavy
can't take your hands off of one another....
sparks, lightening,
SomeThing!
i know things change but its like stale bread.

i love him, i do.
now its time to play the waiting game apparently.
how fast can i get out of here?
that is the question...


And awfully enough, the one thing i'm looking forward to is seeing Cs.
i hope i am right.
i think i am.
i think its mutual.

i need fun, and adoration.
and to be spoiled
flirted with
treated like a princess
something!

*crossing fingers*

why is this the only thing i'm looking forward to?
it shouldn't be...

and it does make me sad.

it's over, isn't it...
it's just not officially final.
yet.

5.16.2009

F*ck me. my nose burns. I binged again tonight- it wasn't my original intention. but, surprise, surprise. where did it begin...
sold the table tonight- gave me a high. before that, i wanted to binge. but there was nothing in the house worth binging on. decided to go out to take my mind off of it. went out to the plaza, wandered around, bought some sake. Went to the craft store, got lots of ideas. Surprisingly enough, bought nothing (proud of myself!). Went to the grocery store, didn't buy anything binge-worthy. Haircolor, nair- thought it'd be a beauty night. Got home, started on the sake. Made a necklace. Kept drinking the sake- and the thoughts came back. ended up walking to the store to buy supplies. came back, put a dvd on, and started. let the games begin! ate, ate, ate til i could feel no more. doritos, ice cream, a pot filled with spaghetti, sticks of butter, grated cheese. the cat watched, ate pasta, licked the cheese container. then, the awful feelings came. all of the sudden, felt as though i was drunk- numb, fuzzy, dizzy, nauseous. wanting to curl up on the floor. wanting to feel the coolness of the tile against my forehead. overloaded, filled with sugar. started to throw up (in a plastic bag) on the kitchen floor. started simultaneously to feel better. the more that came up, the better i felt. it was as if the alcohol hit me all at once, when the food was in my stomach (contradictory, no?). the more heaved, the better felt. burned my nasal passage, but small consolation. vomited until the acid came up. more than once. and my equilibrium was reached. felt so much better... the poison was out of my system.
hope not to die in my sleep.
hope to wake up.
what the fuck.
is wrong.
with me.
?

What i think...

Preface: I know that I am affected in an.. unhealthy way which causes me to be particularly irrational. That being said...

I think....
...that i ate too much today
...that i didn't b*p, but i kind of (understatement) wanted to
...that i should have called that job op back (but i didn't)
...that i shouldn't have drunk 2glasses of wine (but i did)
...that i am thick in the midsection, which bugs the fuck out of me.
...that i cannot trust my scale (and wish i had a second one)
...that i don't want to go to work tomorrow
...that i should have done my paper today
...that i hate working weekends, particularly sunday
...that i don't work enough
...that i spend too much money
...that i have too much time to myself
...that i eat too much
...that i'm lazy
...that i'm stupid

... that i can be a waste of fat space....

Any questions?